Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Want to Discuss Marriage and Babies, Just Like Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Want Her Picture Taken

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Guys, Jennifer Aniston is tired of us obsessing over her marital status and womb contents. She’s dumbfounded as to why everyone keeps bringing it up—even though she talks about her motherly instincts in interviews, drops publicist-approved stories about her wedding in People Magazine, suggestively holds her stomach in photos, and has a tattoo that says MARRIAGE/BABIES: ASK ME ABOUT IT. Ok, that last one isn’t true, and I know this because I’ve seen 99.9% of her nude body in every_single_film she’s done for the last 7 years. But as Us Weekly reports, Jen is once again complaining how tiresome these rumors are which keep her relevant. It’s just so inconvenient to be on tabloid covers when you have movies to promote and hair products to sell that coincidentally target women who read magazines!

Jennifer Aniston is squashing rumors and speaking out about the tireless questions she receives about an impending wedding with fiancé Justin Theroux. During a recent interview with the Australian morning radio show, The Kyle and Jackie O Show, the 44-year-old actress also addresses talk of a pregnancy.

“It does feel a bit like they’ve exhausted the question, and also the speculations. It’s all been pretty much exhausted,” Aniston told Kyle and Jackie O about the nuptial talk. “Why not just wait until we actually get to have the fun of announcing something, who wants to play the guessing game, whether it be (a) family wedding, this, that, the other thing?”

Aniston recently caused even more speculation when she emphasized her curves (and even a slight bump) in a skintight dress at the We’re the Millers premiere in NYC on Aug. 1, but attributes any recent rumors to “just a couple of pounds.”

Well Jen, people can’t wait until you announce something, because you’ve enlisted an army of press minions to ensure that we think every time you’re out of town, you’re getting hitched, and every time you’re a little gassy, you’re carrying tanned, perfectly-coiffed offspring. Look, I’ve invested an unhealthy amount of my time learning about this woman’s divorce and houses and beloved dog who passed named Norman (oh Jesus, I didn’t even need to Google that), and it just seems like she’s complicit in the gossip. But hey, I don’t want to be too hard on her because I used to actually love her in her Rachel Green days. So when I started writing this, I really strived for objectivity. I listened to this entire radio interview to hear the full context and come to my own conclusions. And what were my findings?

Turns out, 10 minutes of listening to Jen talk pretty much amounts to the same level of stimulation as reading the nutritional facts on a cereal box over and over again. And actually, the copy on those cereals is at least silly and interspersed with games, so I think if I had to choose, I’d rather be stuck on a desert island with a cereal box than Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, that’s right. I’d rather be freaking Tom Hanks in Castaway with my Wilson Wheaties box than listen to her stilted mumbles and empty platitudes. I actually wanted to turn off the interview multiple times, but I had already dedicated myself to writing this, so I gritted through it and now consider enduring the interview an act of martyrdom. I’m looking into how to apply for a Catholic sainthood, because even Mother Theresa would have given up after the 4th reference to ‘clean living.’

To be fair to Jen, the hosts were typical obnoxious radio personalities and they were the ones that brought up the marriage/baby talk. But she could have laughed off the gossip as a pitfall of her job (her job which has made her upwards of $150 million) instead of whining. Also, if it’s so exasperating to field these rumors, why egg on the press and show up to events in dresses that seem strategically designed to make you look like you’re growing a human? Just look at the picture above. It’s like she went out of her way to appear pregnant by eating 17 whole lasagnas before the event. Before you get angry, no, I’m not saying she’s out of shape, because of course her body is sicker than most 18-year-old personal trainers. The problem is the dress, and anyone with eyes can look at this dress and be like “Huh, kinda makes her look knocked up.” I feel like even blind people would be able to use their extrasensory touch and be like, “Oh honey, that’s gonna get the tabloids in a tizzy.” But she’s telling me her team of industry-leading stylists and PR agents and pet manicurists all failed to recognize this?!

I just want her to stop pretending that she’s annoyed by the speculation attention. Because with all the weird allusions and backtrack, marriage/babies end up being a pretty prevalent conversation topic with her. She’s as bad as my co-worker who always wants to show me wedding bouquet ideas on Pinterest. Or my other co-worker, who’s always like, ‘You won’t believe what my baby did last night!” and I’m like “Uhh, if it involves walking or pooping or any other basic motor function, I probably will believe it! Please stop.” You don’t have to be associated with these co-workers, Jen. And you don’t have to pander to the least common denominator by marketing yourself as the Golden-Haired Girl Next Door who just wants to be a married mommy. From what I’ve heard, you’re actually a pot-smoking, family-shunning, let’s-go-to-Cabo-and-get-cruuuunk kind of gal. Which is awesome! I’d love for that Jen to come out publically and buck traditional female expectations. Hell, not only would I like her if she did that, but I’d actually kind of aspire to be her. As it stands right now, the only thing I want of Jen’s is her highlights (ugh, she really does have great hair). Wouldn’t this be more interesting? Do eeeet, Jen. Be you, girl.

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About franklyspeaking7

Pop culture lover, grammar enforcer, embarrassingly bad dancer.
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