Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Want to Discuss Marriage and Babies, Just Like Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Want Her Picture Taken

Guys, Jennifer Aniston is tired of us obsessing over her marital status and womb contents. She’s dumbfounded as to why everyone keeps bringing it up—even though she talks about her motherly instincts in interviews, drops publicist-approved stories about her wedding in People Magazine, suggestively holds her stomach in photos, and has a tattoo that says MARRIAGE/BABIES: ASK ME ABOUT IT. Ok, that last one isn’t true, and I know this because I’ve seen 99.9% of her nude body in every_single_film she’s done for the last 7 years. But as Us Weekly reports, Jen is once again complaining how tiresome these rumors are which keep her relevant. It’s just so inconvenient to be on tabloid covers when you have movies to promote and hair products to sell that coincidentally target women who read magazines!

Jennifer Aniston is squashing rumors and speaking out about the tireless questions she receives about an impending wedding with fiancé Justin Theroux. During a recent interview with the Australian morning radio show, The Kyle and Jackie O Show, the 44-year-old actress also addresses talk of a pregnancy.

“It does feel a bit like they’ve exhausted the question, and also the speculations. It’s all been pretty much exhausted,” Aniston told Kyle and Jackie O about the nuptial talk. “Why not just wait until we actually get to have the fun of announcing something, who wants to play the guessing game, whether it be (a) family wedding, this, that, the other thing?”

Aniston recently caused even more speculation when she emphasized her curves (and even a slight bump) in a skintight dress at the We’re the Millers premiere in NYC on Aug. 1, but attributes any recent rumors to “just a couple of pounds.”

Well Jen, people can’t wait until you announce something, because you’ve enlisted an army of press minions to ensure that we think every time you’re out of town, you’re getting hitched, and every time you’re a little gassy, you’re carrying tanned, perfectly-coiffed offspring. Look, I’ve invested an unhealthy amount of my time learning about this woman’s divorce and houses and beloved dog who passed named Norman (oh Jesus, I didn’t even need to Google that), and it just seems like she’s complicit in the gossip. But hey, I don’t want to be too hard on her because I used to actually love her in her Rachel Green days. So when I started writing this, I really strived for objectivity. I listened to this entire radio interview to hear the full context and come to my own conclusions. And what were my findings?

Turns out, 10 minutes of listening to Jen talk pretty much amounts to the same level of stimulation as reading the nutritional facts on a cereal box over and over again. And actually, the copy on those cereals is at least silly and interspersed with games, so I think if I had to choose, I’d rather be stuck on a desert island with a cereal box than Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, that’s right. I’d rather be freaking Tom Hanks in Castaway with my Wilson Wheaties box than listen to her stilted mumbles and empty platitudes. I actually wanted to turn off the interview multiple times, but I had already dedicated myself to writing this, so I gritted through it and now consider enduring the interview an act of martyrdom. I’m looking into how to apply for a Catholic sainthood, because even Mother Theresa would have given up after the 4^th reference to ‘clean living.’

To be fair to Jen, the hosts were typical obnoxious radio personalities and they were the ones that brought up the marriage/baby talk. But she could have laughed off the gossip as a pitfall of her job (her job which has made her upwards of $150 million) instead of whining. Also, if it’s so exasperating to field these rumors, why egg on the press and show up to events in dresses that seem strategically designed to make you look like you’re growing a human? Just look at the picture above. It’s like she went out of her way to appear pregnant by eating 17 whole lasagnas before the event. Before you get angry, no, I’m not saying she’s out of shape, because of course her body is sicker than most 18-year-old personal trainers. The problem is the dress, and anyone with eyes can look at this dress and be like “Huh, kinda makes her look knocked up.” I feel like even blind people would be able to use their extrasensory touch and be like, “Oh honey, that’s gonna get the tabloids in a tizzy.” But she’s telling me her team of industry-leading stylists and PR agents and pet manicurists all failed to recognize this?!

I just want her to stop pretending that she’s annoyed by the speculation attention. Because with all the weird allusions and backtrack, marriage/babies end up being a pretty prevalent conversation topic with her. She’s as bad as my co-worker who always wants to show me wedding bouquet ideas on Pinterest. Or my other co-worker, who’s always like, ‘You won’t believe what my baby did last night!” and I’m like “Uhh, if it involves walking or pooping or any other basic motor function, I probably will believe it! Please stop.” You don’t have to be associated with these co-workers, Jen. And you don’t have to pander to the least common denominator by marketing yourself as the Golden-Haired Girl Next Door who just wants to be a married mommy. From what I’ve heard, you’re actually a pot-smoking, family-shunning, let’s-go-to-Cabo-and-get-cruuuunk kind of gal. Which is awesome! I’d love for that Jen to come out publically and buck traditional female expectations. Hell, not only would I like her if she did that, but I’d actually kind of aspire to be her. As it stands right now, the only thing I want of Jen’s is her highlights (ugh, she really does have great hair). Wouldn’t this be more interesting? Do eeeet, Jen. Be you, girl.

Related articles

• Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Want to Discuss Marriage and Babies, Just Like Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Want Her Picture Taken (franklyspeakingwithalyssafrank.wordpress.com)
• Jennifer Aniston dismisses rumors of secret wedding, pregnancy (nydailynews.com)
• Jennifer Aniston: I’m Not Pregnant … Just Gained Some Weight (themaytimes.com)

Benedict Cumberbatch, John Malkovich Join Cast of Animated Penguin Film to Create Creepiest Portrayal of Artic Birds Ever

Hollywood is a vast ecosystem with lots of different niches. Some actors *cough, Jessica Biel, cough* stay confined to one niche their entire careers, always showing up in the same role, like “subordinate action character with great ass.” These kinds of actors don’t always choose to be typecast, of course. It’s just that some of them possess the same range of emotion as a shoelace, so they don’t have the chops to navigate different territory. Other times, performers in this phylum do have skill, but like Kate Hudson, they’ve decided they’re cool with only doing movies about finding a man and cute shoes.

On the flip side of this are the chameleon character actors. The John Malkoviches and Benedict Cumberbatches. These highly adaptable creatures deftly weave in out of different genres with the stealth of a lynx. They often pop up where you’d least expect them, only to steal the show (See: Phillip Seymore Hoffman in basically everything he’s done). What’s even crazier is, they’ve usually altered their physical appearance and mannerisms so much from their last movie, that it’s not until about 3/4^th through a film that you even recognize them. They can seamlessly go from playing a deranged villain in one film, to a righteous adorable penguin in the next–and that’s why the producers of the upcoming Penguins of Madagascar have nabbed the ridiculously talented Benedict Cumberbatch and John Malkovich for their film!

In a casting coup, DreamWorks Animation has set Benedict Cumberbatch and John Malkovich to voice new characters in its spin-off “The Penguins of Madagascar,” TheWrap has learned.

The animated movie, which features the penguins from DWA’s “Madagascar” franchise, is scheduled for release on March 27, 2015.

An individual familiar with the project tells TheWrap that Malkovich will voice the film’s charming villain, while Cumberbatch will voice a high-ranking animal CIA agent hot on his trail.

[From TheWrap.com]

I can’t even express how happy this makes me. These two are some of the greatest actors of all time (as determined by a very scientific rubric I’ve come up with), and the thought of them together as ANIMATED ANIMALS is just too much. The only thing that would make this better would be to throw Gary Oldman into that casting love-fest, and if they do that to me, it might engorge my heart so much that I experience shortness of breath and numbness in my left arm, so let’s not even contemplate it. I’m just pleased to see that two acclaimed dramatic actors who are capable of tapping into such cavernous emotional depths are applying their gifts to light-hearted fare. Because really, how many John Malkovich movies can you show a 5-year old?

I think all audiences—even those who can’t go to the bathroom by themselves yet—should be able to behold the brilliance of Malkovich, and this a medium that will allow that to happen in a way that won’t haunt a toddler’s dreams. I’m glad John is reprising the role of unhinged bad guy, because let’s face it: that’s what this guy’s genetic makeup was expressly designed for. I’m sure he’s a perfectly stable and well-adjusted human being in real life, but he’s got a face that I’m definitely going to show my kids one day when I describe the reasons for not talking to strangers. As for Benny, he’s been on a roll lately. His performance as calculating Khan in Star Wars was utter perfection (although leaving out Khan’s boob sweater was a travesty in my opinion). I basically want this enigmatic, sexy alien man to be in every movie I watch—and he’s pretty much going to be! According to his IMDB page, he has 10 movies coming up!

I’ll probably see most of those films, including this one, even though I’m not that into animated movies. I know, I know, cue the incredulous shock. I should have a doctor check for my heart. But the voices in those films are usually so shrill and grating! The stories might be smart and endearing, but ugh, I just want to bury my head in a pillow and take an Advil. Luckily, Benny has the honeyed voice of a British angel, so I think I’ll make it through this penguin flick. Have I officially become a Cumberbitch with that last sentence? Eh, I’m not even ashamed.

 

Robert Pattinson is Photographed at Kristen Stewart’s House; Might Be Followed More Closely than Al-Qaeda

Today, in news about weak willpower, KStew and RPatz can’t stop seeing each other, and I can’t stop eating all the things in my fridge after midnight. The former incident occurred in broad daylight when Rob was caught parking at Kristen’s house by X17’s vigilant photographers. The latter occurred in complete darkness in my kitchen with no one around to judge me except for ants, who were probably like, “Dude, even we lay off sugar after 9 p.m.” Both stories reveal the universal feebleness of human resolve—which is just a fancy way of saying, “Celebrities: they’re just like us!”

But it’s true. Besides the private planes and questionable personal stylists, these two really are like every obnoxious on-again-off-again couple you know and are trying to ignore on Facebook. Here’s X17 Online’s breaking report:

Despite hanging out with Riley Keough in late June, Rob was at Kristen’s house during last week. X17 photographers snapped the actor driving to her Los Feliz home and parking right in front of the house! He left two hours later and drove back home.

A photographer on the scene tells X17online exclusively, “Rob looked nervous on his way to vis