Today, in news about weak willpower, KStew and RPatz can’t stop seeing each other, and I can’t stop eating all the things in my fridge after midnight. The former incident occurred in broad daylight when Rob was caught parking at Kristen’s house by X17’s vigilant photographers. The latter occurred in complete darkness in my kitchen with no one around to judge me except for ants, who were probably like, “Dude, even we lay off sugar after 9 p.m.” Both stories reveal the universal feebleness of human resolve—which is just a fancy way of saying, “Celebrities: they’re just like us!”
But it’s true. Besides the private planes and questionable personal stylists, these two really are like every obnoxious on-again-off-again couple you know and are trying to ignore on Facebook. Here’s X17 Online’s breaking report:
Despite hanging out with Riley Keough in late June, Rob was at Kristen’s house during last week. X17 photographers snapped the actor driving to her Los Feliz home and parking right in front of the house! He left two hours later and drove back home.
A photographer on the scene tells X17online exclusively, “Rob looked nervous on his way to visit Kristen. He was trying to be discreet so no one would see him.” Hmm, maybe that’s why he drove a white Durango with an out of state license plate?
Damn, he was driving incognito and they still found him?! These paparazzi are like green berets! If we had put these guys on Bin Laden’s trail, 20 minutes later they would have found out where he was and who he was dating. I’m just saying: CIA, maybe take some notes. Btw, how do you think these paparazzi cite their projects on invoices? I bet it’s like: “Followed Rob around Silver Lake, watched him buy Kombucha and plaid stuff—2 hours.”
Anyway, when I first heard these two were swapping spit and baseball caps again, I rolled my eyes with the same annoyed ennui that Kristen uses to express…well, everything. But then I realized, you know what? Temptation is tough. Like, can you honestly tell me that if a jar of Nutella is sitting in your cupboard, it’s easy for you to casually ignore it and reach for the whole grain quinoa?
If that sweet spread is anywhere near me, I feel like I need a restraining device and prescription-strength sedatives made for elephants to stop me from putting it all over everything. I’m pretty sure Rob has the exact same problem refusing Kristen’s mesmerizing armpits, so I get it. Kristen Stewart is Robert Pattinson’s Nutella! And vice versa. If you think about it that way, it makes you want to bang your head against a desk a little less. Just think about the most shameful vice that clutches your soul: cigarettes, gambling, singing along to Selena Gomez songs in the car by yourself…and that’s what these two are dealing with.
Obviously, the solution to end this noxious cycle is to just remove the temptation and create distance between each other. It’s like my friends tell me: “Dude, if you can’t stop eating Nutella, just stop buying it.” Well, I have (tried)! I’m workin’ on it! Unfortunately for Rob and Kristen, they live like 4 inches to the left of each other in the epicenter of hipsterdom known as Silver Lake, and that’s a problem. Hopefully, when Kristen heads off to Europe later this summer to do an indie film she was woefully miscast in (seriously, KStew does not belong in the same sentence as Juliette Binoche), they’ll be forced to stop seeing each other’s faces. In the meantime, these two are fallible creatures like you and me, and they’re bound to slip up. I’ll try to hold my tongue—while hopefully not placing said tongue on Nutella*.
*Note: This article was not sponsored by Nutella. I just think it’s the jam. Especially with jam! Oy, I’m trying to quit.